Tuesday, June 30, 2009

At One a.m.

I've been suffering from insomnia for almost a year now. I'm certain I know what's causing it, but it's not something I can share...with anyone, really. Instead, I accept the 3, 4, 5 hours of sleep afforded to me with the aid of sleeping pills prescribed by my doctor. Except for getting through the next day, insomnia is not so bad. I do laundry, clean my kitchen, and I write. I keep a notebook by my bed to capture my dreams while they are still fresh in my head. And often, inspiration strikes and I wind up with sad and beautiful words such as these...and nothing to do with them but to send them anonymously into cyberspace...and hope that, perhaps, the right eyes will read them and understand.
~
At one a.m. I lie here, dreamless; the drugs that weigh me to my bed do naught to heavy my eyelids or quiet the thoughts circling my mind.

At one a.m. I think of you, to wonder if I crossed your mind as you drifted off to sleep. If you would leave your dreams to visit mine, as you have so often done before.

At one a.m. I can speak the words I swore I’d never say aloud. They echo in my mind each moment I stare into your soulful eyes and at times, it’s all I can do not to blurt them out.

At one a.m. I whisper them softly and your reply, however imagined, warms my heart to the point of bursting. My knees weaken as you reach for me, my lips burning for yours.

At one a.m. I have you to myself. There are no interruptions…no surprise visitors…no guilt, no fear. Only you….No. Only me. I am alone.

At one a.m. I am struck to tears by the realization. Without you, I sigh and understand that slumber will elude me still. Left wanting that I should not want. Needing what I mustn’t need. Loving whom I cannot have.

At one a.m. I can want. I can need. I can love. If only then. If only me. If only.

At one a.m.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Is it Me?

Some words don't need explanation. Still waiting for an answer on this one.
~

You play a song about the wrong choice.
I hear the passion that's in your voice,
As you sing about the girl you love but you can't have.

Sitting in the front row,
I'm praying my tears don't show,
As I listen to the words I've longed to hear so bad.

Is there a chance? Is it real?
Are you trying to tell me how you feel?
Am I the girl you dream about?
The one you love, but live without?
A dancing song, it's soft and slow,
But tell me, I just have to know;
The words you wrote, they're sad and sweet
Am I the girl?

Just tell me, please...
Is it me?

You might try to hide your left hand,
But I know you wear a wedding band,
And even though I know it's wrong, I still love you.

I thought I'd have to hide forever.
I guess I really never
Thought there was a chance you'd feel the same way, too.

(Girl, now you know I do.)

Is there a chance? Is it real?
Are you trying to tell me how you feel?
Am I the girl you dream about?
The one you love, but live without?
A dancing song, it's soft and slow,
But tell me, I just have to know;
The words you wrote, they're sad and sweet
Am I the girl?

Just tell me, please...
Is it me?

My heart stops as the song ends and your eyes find me...
But then I realize she's sitting right behind me...


Is there a chance? Is it real? (Please take a chance. This is real.)
Are you trying to tell me how you feel? (I've been dying to tell you how I feel.)
Am I the girl you dream about? (You're the girl I dream about,)
The one you love, but live without? (The one I love, but live without.)
A dancing song, it's nice and slow,
But tell me, I just have to know;
The words you wrote, they're sad and sweet;
Am I the girl?

Just tell me, please...

Is it me?
Is it me?
Is it me?

Monday, June 8, 2009

He Brought my Mama Flowers...

Growing up, I never had the best relationship with my stepfather. I always felt that my mom was looking the other way...now that I'm older (and wiser) I understand the position she was in. It doesn't make it hurt any less, though.


He came between me and my mama, but so quietly that she never knew.
She smiled and called us a family,and when he smiled, I smiled too.

She never saw the tears in my eyes,
or the pain in my heart; and she saw through his lies.

She'd never have guessed that I cried for so many hours...
Because he brought my mama flowers.

He brought me lessons that should not be learned.
Stories that should not be heard.


He taught me violence, brought me tears.
He bought her silence, brought me fears.


And he brought me many painful, lonely hours.

But he brought my mama flowers.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Thoughts of You...

This one speaks for itself. There's a line from Moulin Rouge that runs through my mind with I think of this poem--which is often. "Hurt him to save him." Sometimes, it's the only way?



Tell thoughts of you to go away.
Please make my pain take flight.
Remove from me this burden,
Return my world to bright.
Tell unshed tears to stay themselves,
Please help my heart to mend.
Tell me you don't love me.
Tell me it's the end.
Hold me in your shaking arms,
Feel mine tremble, too.
Take the stars out of my eyes
And kill my love for you.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Tears that Fall...

This is the epitome of random poetry. I often have flashes of inspiration and grab a notebook, a napkin, any random piece of paper and just start writing. I frequently find scraps in my purse with a line or two scribbled on it. I wrote this one about three years ago...I was writing in a notebook and wrote this on the back of one of the pages. The words just poured out, and when I thought I was done, I turned them around and changed the meaning of the poem completely. It's one of my favorites.

Tears that fall that hath no reason
Change did come before the season
Love I thought I knew I wanted
Dreams I had that now are haunted
Wishes thought to be unspoken
Self made promises were broken
Life imagined now lies shattered
Life that happened never mattered
Only silent words are true
Though no lie was told to you
So for granted was a chance
That I should never know romance
But for granted my romance
That I did try to take that chance
Lies never shall ring true
Therefore silent words must do
Life that happened now lies shattered
Life imagined never mattered
Promises that once were spoken
Now in pieces they lie broken
Love that shall forever haunt
Dreams of such will never want
Change did come but for no reason
And now tearful is the season